For fuck sake, I’m really pissed off. I have been lonely all day with no-one to talk to and that has made me sick and I’ve had the feeling that I don’t want to do anything. Ed basically got kicked out yesterday and I was there, his shoulder to cry on, the person he told he loved. Then last night he sent me a random message asking if it was one kiss with Cole, I told him that it was and now he won’t fucking talk to me. I know he’s going through a bad time but why does he chose now to push me away when I’m trying to help? I want to be there for him and I can’t because every time he gets kicked out he argues with me too and everything shits up. Does he know he makes me feel like I don’t want to be here anymore? I love him with all of my heart but he needs to realise that I want to punch the shit out of stuff sometimes too and he needs to stop picking arguments with me before I flip. He won’t even explain what’s going on. He just ignores me and I’m not even sure when he’s going to get in touch again. I just want to hold him and reassure him and tell him that everything if going to be alright. I’m his girlfriend and I can’t even do that right. I’ve managed to fuck up again and I don’t know what I’m going to do until he snaps out of it, I know he will, our love is too strong to stop now, I can feel it. But right now I feel shit and even if he doesn’t feel it right now, he needs me just as much as I need him.
I text Ed because I was seriously scared about the fact that Cole was outside of my house and wouldn’t leave. Ed offered to come down but I know he’d just cause a scene as he’s been in fights before and I don’t want that happening.
Cole has left now and I hope he leaves me alone properly too. I want Ed to start checking my texts and such, for him to trust me, and for me to think about what I’m actually doing when I talk to people.
I thought I had it all figured out then I woke up this morning and I felt the whole world crashing down on me.
I went to see Ed and as soon as I got there he knew something was wrong, we curled up in bed together and I started to cry while he stroked my hair. He told me that what ever had happened, it was all going to be okay because he loves me; so I told him that Cole kissed me and left Laura so that he could be with me, but I didn’t want to be with him.
We spent the day together, watching films and playing Xbox, and that is how I have a huge migraine right now. I noticed that he hardly kissed me and I know that I was to blame.
I turned on my phone to call my mum to come and get me because the illness caused by not wearing glasses was extremely painful, but then I found a large number of texts from Cole, he was even calling me continuously.
Now I’m lying in bed, texting Cole trying to sort this out and let him down but nothing seems to be working because I’m such a shit human being. All of those people that think I’m a whore? I’ve proved them right.
"It’s not that. I woke up super earlier this morning and had a really big think. I had so much doubt in my mind when it came to ending it with Ed but when I decided I wanted to see him there was no doubt at all. I realised that maybe you could give up Laura, not because I’m the one, but because she isn’t, because now you’ve seen what else is out there. Whereas I can’t leave Ed because he is my one and leaving him, the very thought of it makes me want to leave this planet. I do feel for you, but some things are badly timed, we would have worked but we wouldn’t have been forever because somewhere along the line I would meet him xxxxxxxxxxxxxx"
I put on a hat to go to bed because I felt eyes glaring into the back of my head and feel like it’s God judging me.
I’m not a religious person but I feel a lot better now I feel hidden.
I was really up for starting this blog and now I don’t know how to start. I guess it doesn’t really matter if I start from the beginning because no-one will read the first posts, perhaps not any.
I have been with my boyfriend, let’s call him Ed, for eight months on and off. Right now I guess we are at a good place, he’s cleared up anything that I used to see as a “fault” and he really seems to be trying.
But then there’s this other guy, let’s call him Cole, whom I have known for years although we started talking at the start of this year. We stopped talking for a while because we seemed to be becoming too close and we were both in relationships. We started talking again a few weeks ago and well yes, you can guess where this story is going. He ended his 3 year relationship to be with me.
I want to be with Cole so badly, he is lovely and awkward and hilarious and goofy, I love spending time with him. He’s so kind and caring, I want to be his. However, since I have tried breaking up with Ed before I know that is the split does happen he will refuse to be friends with me, and what would I even say to him? Our relationship started in the same way, I can’t say it’s karma.
It shouldn’t be such a big deal, being without Ed, I’ve done it for three months before and I was okay. But he is my best friend and the only one that truly understand about my depression and anxiety, he doesn’t judge me and he tries to help. I just want that from him, I want his help and his kind words, I don’t know why I no longer need his love.
In the other part of my mind it’s saying that perhaps things will be the same with Cole, maybe I could tell him everything too. We could be best friends as well as lovers and all of the faults I saw in Ed would not be there. I want to give it a chance. I am 16 years old and I want to make mistakes.
Cole goes to university in less than a month and I don’t know if I’ll cope.
Do I leave Cole, therefore making his three year break up pointless. Or break up with Ed and lose my best friend and the only good thing that has been in my life this past year.
To anyone else this decision would be easy, not to me, because I’m a freak.
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